What Did You Learn About White People?

As a Caucasian living in Asia, I am subject to a lot of discrimination. Working in the public schools, as I have for the past two years, the children have taught me some things about how they perceive white people:

1. They are fat.
   
2. They are tall.
   
3. They complain a lot.
   
4. They don't take enough baths in a day. They stink. [AE's note: but they haven't discovered the amazing invention called deodorant, so it doesn't matter. Our pits smell better.]
   
5. They eat bread for every meal, just as we eat rice for every meal.
   
6. They are very strict with their families.
   
7. The teachers are too strict. Why can't we eat when he's teaching?
   
8. They lie. They all say they're poor but they have enough money to do things we'd never think of doing.
   
9. They don't trust anybody.
   
10. They don't appreciate the respect we give them. We stand when they enter the room. We apologize when we don't understand something. Why don't they see we like them?
    
11. They are too proud of where they come from.
    
12. They are conceited about their accomplishments [AE's note: I learned that at a job interview... but how do you tell them your accomplishments if they don't ask for references?]
    
13. They hate rice.
    
14. They hate all our food.
    
15. If they had their way, it would be hamburgers three times (or more) a day.
    
16. Their jokes are not funny.
17. They don't think our jokes are funny. Fart jokes are always funny.
18. They talk too loud.
19. They talk too quickly.
20. They whisper too much.
21. They whisper too quickly.
22. They can't understand why we want to look like them. Don't they see how ugly we are?
23. They think they're so smart. 
24. They have no respect for authority. Can't they see that you just obey who is in charge and never ask questions?
25. They have WAY too much fun!

Do You Have Any Questions?

Although you didn't see them here, some of my postings have some people very angry. I don't think they understand me. It's OK. I'm used to it. No one here understands me either. Here are some of the questions I've received.

Do you hate white people?

You must think I am Asian. Actually, my father was a full blooded Apache and my mother's grandparents got to the United States about 100 years ago from Germany. I have blond hair and blue eyes. In my postings, I show how I think the Asians think of me. I must look really quite silly to them.

Do you hate Asian people?

Of course not. I married two Asian women (married one, got divorced, married a second, got the marriage annulled) and am engaged to a third Asian woman. I have only had sex with Asian women. It was never my goal. It just worked out that way.

Do you hate Asian men?

No. But they must hate me. I live in a city where the men outnumber the women 4:3. I come and marry one of their women and that's one less woman for them. I don't hate anybody.

Do you have a special fondness for Asian women?

Only one right now. That's enough.

Well, I see Mickey's big hand is pointing to the six and his little hand is pointing to the twelve. So I'd better get to bed.

And let this be a lesson to you, if you had terrible thoughts about me.

Why are Americans So Funny?

1. They are fat.
   
2. They are too tall and hit their head on signs. Ha ha!
   
3. The women have big breasts.
   
4. They go to the beach to make their skin dark. Don't they know that only poor people have dark skin. Why do they want to look poor?
   
5. They eat snack food for meals.
   
6. They have big noses.
7. The men are almost always circumcized. Ouch, that must hurt.
8. They are so hairy. Even the women.
9. They eat such strange food.
10. They are afraid of motorcycles.
11. They eat bread for every meal.
12. They don't like rice.
13. They drink Coca-Cola like water.
14. They don't usually eat breakfast.
15. If they do eat breakfast, they eat candy.
16. Beards are ugly. Especially on women.
17. They don't speak English clearly. It's not the way we learned it in school.
18. They don't think they are fat. We all know they are fat.
19. They don't think our fart jokes are funny. Their farts must reek to high heaven with all the fatty stuff they eat!
20. They eat quietly.
21. They wear shoes into the house.
22. They sometimes stand on their high rise apartment balcony naked.
23. They look funny naked. (I never knew people look like that!)
24. They pretend to be puritanical with regards to modesty, but you know the men like to look at our girls naked.
25. They take our comments so personally... about how old they are, how fat they are, how stupid they are, how they don't know our language, or our culture...
26. Most of them don't smoke. 
27. They seem so worked up about good nutrition, yet will eat six doughnuts for breakfast.
28. They don't know the healthful benefits of monosodium gluatmate (MSG).
29. They have to wear shoes when they eat.
30. We kill our dog so they will have something good to eat when they visit us, yet they act like we are serving one of their children... Sir? It's just a dog... It's not a human being...

Where Am I Again?

No, I am not in Cambodia. I use Cambodian pictures and trademarks to confuse people who come to this website. But thanks for trying. You will receive some nice parting gifts on the way out of the studio. Jay? Tell them what they've won!

As I mentioned in the first posting of this 'blog, I can't tell you where I am. I can only tell you I am somewhere in what most people regard as the continent of Asia. I am here because my ex-wife told me to get lost. So I got onto and airplane and it landed here. I've only been away from here once in all the time I've been here. And that was to go to a neighboring country.  But I had an easier time understanding them there. Now. I think it's time we made more fun of people. Shall we?

Is That the Way People Really Act in Your Country?

As promised, here are some actual English language lessons, specially rewritten so the people from the country where I have been living for the past few years can relate to what's being taught. Most of the English teachers believe that the foreign language textbooks they get in this country don't give enough in-depth conversations. So they write their own lessons.

Lesson Three - - Mr. Fred has a New Job

Mr. Fred: Good morning, Mr. Jim.
Mr. Jim: Good morning, Mr. Fred. You are up early this morning.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I must give Fifi, my dog a walk.
Then I must go to the bathroom, defecate, and take a long hot shower, using much soap, shampoo, and hair conditioner. I will then shave the whiskers off my neck and face. 
Mr. Jim: It sounds as if you, at last have a job, at long last, Mr. Fred.
Mr. Fred: Yes, Mr. Jim. I am working as a grillman at Burger World.
Mr. Jim: I like to eat at Burger World. 
They have the cheapest double cheeseburgers for their size.
How much do they pay you?
Mr. Fred: I earn $9.20 an hour, plus free food. It means am letting Mrs. Fred sleep late.
But she must cook dinner for me.
Mr. Jim: She must. I agree. What work is she doing now?
Mr. Fred: She works at Mr. and Mrs. John's house. 
She cleans their house two days a week and then does yard work.
Mrs. Fred will be there until 5:00 this afternoon.
Mr. Jim: How much do they pay her?
Mr. Fred: $4.50 an hour. She works six days a week for them. 
When she cleans their attic, she can keep anything she wants.
Mr. Jim: How long do you work?
Mr. Fred: I work from 6:00 this morning until 12:00 noon.
Mr. Jim: That's nice. You can come home and take a nap and wait for Mrs. Fred to come home.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I like the way she cooks dinner for me.

Don't You Know Anything?

One of the jobs expatriates do when they come here, while they try to find substantial work, is work in a language center. Most of them are businesses set up to take money from rich people who will do anything to prove their kids are the smartest kids in the world... even if they're lazy and stupid!

I always tell the people who run the language schools that the dialogs in the phrase books they use are outdated and boring. Here are some scripts from the textbook I wrote for one of those schools. This is for an adult class (very adult class):

Lesson One - - Getting to know you...

John: Good morning.
Matthew: Good morning, new neighbor. My name's Matthew, but call me Matt.
John: John's my name, but everyone calls me Stinky.
Matthew: Why is that, Stinky?
John: Because my wife feeds me beans all the time.
Matthew: What does that do to you?
John: It makes me fart! Sometimes, it's so bad I have to go home to change my underwear.
Matthew: Boy, Stinky! I'm sure glad my wife doesn't feed me beans!

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Lesson Two - - Getting to know her...

Matthew: Hello. You must be Stinky's wife.
Charlotte: Yes, I'm John's wife. My name is Charlotte. But you can call me Lottie.
Matthew: Do you always wear a swimsuit like that?
Charlotte: No, sometimes I like to go swimming nude. Does it bother you?
Matthew: Yes, it does! But don't stop. I must see you.
Charlotte: John told me about you. You're Matt, right?
Matthew: Guilty as charged.
Charlotte: Are you married?
Matthew: Who, me? I think so, why?
Charlotte: What do you mean you think so?
Matthew: My divorce isn't finalized yet.
Charlotte: Yes, it does take a long time here in Arizona, doesn't it?
Matthew: I was divorced in California. I should have stayed in Nevada. It only takes six weeks there.
Charlotte: So who's the woman who I saw walking in the house?
Matthew: Her? She's my fiancee.
Charlotte: Is she there now?
Matthew: She's there but she had so much to drink last night I don't think she knows where she is.
Charlotte: So come on over to my place and let's swim together. I want to get to know you better.
Matthew: What if Stinky, uh, John comes by?
Charlotte: He won't. I fed him a double portion of beans last night with lots of hot peppers. That poor guy won't get off the toilet for four hours!
Matthew: Is what you're doing safe?
Charlotte: I doubt it.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what the real lessons are like!

How Did Your Date Go Last Night?

HE: Hi.
SHE: Hi.
HE: You look nice tonight. I like the way your top... ahem... ahem...
SHE: You can see my breasts... Right?
They're nice aren't they?
HE: Yeah. You're the first girl here I've seen not wearing a bra. But everyone else can see you, too
SHE: Yeah, but I'm covered. 
You're the only one who has to know what I'm not wearing.
HE: OK. Shall we go?
SHE: Sure. My motorbike is over there.
HE: You have a nice motorcycle.
SHE: Yes, but a real man would pick me up at my house.
HE: I don't have an international driver's license. AndI don't know how to operate a motorcycle.
SHE: OK. Do you have a helmet? It's the law, you know.
HE: Let me get upstairs and get it...

____________________________________
HE: OK. Where are you taking us?
SHE: To a coffeehouse in the west part of town.
HE: Good, I can put my arms around you so I don't fall off.
SHE: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
HE: OK, OK... I can just sit up. Be careful driving...

____________________________________
[Silence for the next twenty minutes.]

____________________________________

SHE: Here we are.
HE: Let me hold your hand as we go inside.
SHE: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
HE: Well, maybe I can when we dance.
WAITER: (Local language. You know he is asking how many people there will be at the table.)
HE: Hey, this is a nice place. It's very dark. I like it.
SHE: It needs a light. You might get fresh with me.
HE: I hope so.
SHE:  You know, I always thought you were such a gentleman. But all you want to do is touch me. I don't understand you.
HE: It's what men and women do with each other. Especially when they go out on a date.
SHE: Local men don't act this way.
HE: (under his breath, very quietly)  Not in public, anyway...
(aloud) When did you last go out on a date?
SHE: This afternoon with you, when you took me to Lucky Burger.
HE: That wasn't a date.
SHE: You bought me a Jumbo Burger.
HE: We spent the whole time in the hamburger place. All we did was eat hamburgers.
SHE: What else do you do on a date?
HE: I was hoping to show you later on. I cleaned out my apartment, in case you might want to spend the night.
SHE:  ...you WHAT!
HE: And seeing you in public, almost naked, I had a good feeling about getting to be with you tonight.
SHE: All you foreign men think about is sex...
HE: That's not true.
SHE: I should have worn a bra.
HE: Front hook or back hook? Front hook is more fun because I can touch you as I'm opening it. But the back hook is easier. I can unhook it with one hand.
SHE: I have a headache. I think we should go home.
HE: Fine, come to my place. I have aspirin from America.
SHE: And then you will want me to lie down.
HE: After you take a hot shower.
SHE: And you would join me?
HE: Sure. I need to scrub your back!
SHE: All you think about is sex!

____________________________________

The next day the following e-mail was received:

B,
Had a wonderful time last night. Call me in a couple of days. I can't wait until we go out again!
Love,
V