Observations from a guy who pretends to know more than you do but knows how stupid he really is.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

What Did You Learn About White People?

As a Caucasian living in Asia, I am subject to a lot of discrimination. Working in the public schools, as I have for the past two years, the children have taught me some things about how they perceive white people:

  1. They are fat.
  2. They are tall.
  3. They complain a lot.
  4. They don't take enough baths in a day. They stink. [AE's note: but they haven't discovered the amazing invention called deodorant, so it doesn't matter. Our pits smell better.]
  5. They eat bread for every meal, just as we eat rice for every meal.
  6. They are very strict with their families.
  7. The teachers are too strict. Why can't we eat when he's teaching?
  8. They lie. They all say they're poor but they have enough money to do things we'd never think of doing.
  9. They don't trust anybody.
  10. They don't appreciate the respect we give them. We stand when they enter the room. We apologize when we don't understand something. Why don't they see we like them?
  11. They are too proud of where they come from.
  12. They are conceited about their accomplishments [AE's note: I learned that at a job interview... but how do you tell them your accomplishments if they don't ask for references?]
  13. They hate rice.
  14. They hate all our food.
  15. If they had their way, it would be hamburgers three times (or more) a day.
  16. Their jokes are not funny.
  17. They don't think our jokes are funny. Fart jokes are always funny.
  18. They talk too loud.
  19. They talk too quickly.
  20. They whisper too much.
  21. They whisper too quickly.
  22. They can't understand why we want to look like them. Don't they see how ugly we are?
  23. They think they're so smart. 
  24. They have no respect for authority. Can't they see that you just obey who is in charge and never ask questions?
  25. They have WAY too much fun!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Do You Have Any Questions?

Although you didn't see them here, some of my postings have some people very angry. I don't think they understand me. It's OK. I'm used to it. No one here understands me either. Here are some of the questions I've received.

Do you hate white people?

You must think I am Asian. Actually, my father was a full blooded Apache and my mother's grandparents got to the United States about 100 years ago from Germany. I have blond hair and blue eyes. In my postings, I show how I think the Asians think of me. I must look really quite silly to them.

Do you hate Asian people?

Of course not. I married two Asian women (married one, got divorced, married a second, got the marriage annulled) and am engaged to a third Asian woman. I have only had sex with Asian women. It was never my goal. It just worked out that way.

Do you hate Asian men?

No. But they must hate me. I live in a city where the men outnumber the women 4:3. I come and marry one of their women and that's one less woman for them. I don't hate anybody.

Do you have a special fondness for Asian women?

Only one right now. That's enough.

Well, I see Mickey's big hand is pointing to the six and his little hand is pointing to the twelve. So I'd better get to bed.

And let this be a lesson to you, if you had terrible thoughts about me.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Why are Americans So Funny?

  1. They are fat.
  2. They are too tall and hit their head on signs. Ha ha!
  3. The women have big breasts.
  4. They go to the beach to make their skin dark. Don't they know that only poor people have dark skin. Why do they want to look poor?
  5. They eat snack food for meals.
  6. They have big noses.
  7. The men are almost always circumcized. Ouch, that must hurt.
  8. They are so hairy. Even the women.
  9. They eat such strange food.
  10. They are afraid of motorcycles.
  11. They eat bread for every meal.
  12. They don't like rice.
  13. They drink Coca-Cola like water.
  14. They don't usually eat breakfast.
  15. If they do eat breakfast, they eat candy.
  16. Beards are ugly. Especially on women.
  17. They don't speak English clearly. It's not the way we learned it in school.
  18. They don't think they are fat. We all know they are fat.
  19. They don't think our fart jokes are funny. Their farts must reek to high heaven with all the fatty stuff they eat!
  20. They eat quietly.
  21. They wear shoes into the house.
  22. They sometimes stand on their high rise apartment balcony naked.
  23. They look funny naked. (I never knew people look like that!)
  24. They pretend to be puritanical with regards to modesty, but you know the men like to look at our girls naked.
  25. They take our comments so personally... about how old they are, how fat they are, how stupid they are, how they don't know our language, or our culture...
  26. Most of them don't smoke. 
  27. They seem so worked up about good nutrition, yet will eat six doughnuts for breakfast.
  28. They don't know the healthful benefits of monosodium gluatmate (MSG).
  29. They have to wear shoes when they eat.
  30. We kill our dog so they will have something good to eat when they visit us, yet they act like we are serving one of their children... Sir? It's just a dog... It's not a human being...

About Me

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I am writing this page anonymously. I am well known in certain parts of the world. Trained in one job and working in another job for the past 30 years. But I've done many other things.