Observations from a guy who pretends to know more than you do but knows how stupid he really is.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Don't You Know Anything?

One of the jobs expatriates do when they come here, while they try to find substantial work, is work in a language center. Most of them are businesses set up to take money from rich people who will do anything to prove their kids are the smartest kids in the world... even if they're lazy and stupid!

I always tell the people who run the language schools that the dialogs in the phrase books they use are outdated and boring. Here are some scripts from the textbook I wrote for one of those schools. This is for an adult class (very adult class):

Lesson One - - Getting to know you...

John: Good morning.
Matthew: Good morning, new neighbor. My name's Matthew, but call me Matt.
John: John's my name, but everyone calls me Stinky.
Matthew: Why is that, Stinky?
John: Because my wife feeds me beans all the time.
Matthew: What does that do to you?
John: It makes me fart! Sometimes, it's so bad I have to go home to change my underwear.
Matthew: Boy, Stinky! I'm sure glad my wife doesn't feed me beans!

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Lesson Two - - Getting to know her...

Matthew: Hello. You must be Stinky's wife.
Charlotte: Yes, I'm John's wife. My name is Charlotte. But you can call me Lottie.
Matthew: Do you always wear a swimsuit like that?
Charlotte: No, sometimes I like to go swimming nude. Does it bother you?
Matthew: Yes, it does! But don't stop. I must see you.
Charlotte: John told me about you. You're Matt, right?
Matthew: Guilty as charged.
Charlotte: Are you married?
Matthew: Who, me? I think so, why?
Charlotte: What do you mean you think so?
Matthew: My divorce isn't finalized yet.
Charlotte: Yes, it does take a long time here in Arizona, doesn't it?
Matthew: I was divorced in California. I should have stayed in Nevada. It only takes six weeks there.
Charlotte: So who's the woman who I saw walking in the house?
Matthew: Her? She's my fiancee.
Charlotte: Is she there now?
Matthew: She's there but she had so much to drink last night I don't think she knows where she is.
Charlotte: So come on over to my place and let's swim together. I want to get to know you better.
Matthew: What if Stinky, uh, John comes by?
Charlotte: He won't. I fed him a double portion of beans last night with lots of hot peppers. That poor guy won't get off the toilet for four hours!
Matthew: Is what you're doing safe?
Charlotte: I doubt it.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what the real lessons are like!

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About Me

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I am writing this page anonymously. I am well known in certain parts of the world. Trained in one job and working in another job for the past 30 years. But I've done many other things.