Observations from a guy who pretends to know more than you do but knows how stupid he really is.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

What Did You Learn About White People?

As a Caucasian living in Asia, I am subject to a lot of discrimination. Working in the public schools, as I have for the past two years, the children have taught me some things about how they perceive white people:

  1. They are fat.
  2. They are tall.
  3. They complain a lot.
  4. They don't take enough baths in a day. They stink. [AE's note: but they haven't discovered the amazing invention called deodorant, so it doesn't matter. Our pits smell better.]
  5. They eat bread for every meal, just as we eat rice for every meal.
  6. They are very strict with their families.
  7. The teachers are too strict. Why can't we eat when he's teaching?
  8. They lie. They all say they're poor but they have enough money to do things we'd never think of doing.
  9. They don't trust anybody.
  10. They don't appreciate the respect we give them. We stand when they enter the room. We apologize when we don't understand something. Why don't they see we like them?
  11. They are too proud of where they come from.
  12. They are conceited about their accomplishments [AE's note: I learned that at a job interview... but how do you tell them your accomplishments if they don't ask for references?]
  13. They hate rice.
  14. They hate all our food.
  15. If they had their way, it would be hamburgers three times (or more) a day.
  16. Their jokes are not funny.
  17. They don't think our jokes are funny. Fart jokes are always funny.
  18. They talk too loud.
  19. They talk too quickly.
  20. They whisper too much.
  21. They whisper too quickly.
  22. They can't understand why we want to look like them. Don't they see how ugly we are?
  23. They think they're so smart. 
  24. They have no respect for authority. Can't they see that you just obey who is in charge and never ask questions?
  25. They have WAY too much fun!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Do You Have Any Questions?

Although you didn't see them here, some of my postings have some people very angry. I don't think they understand me. It's OK. I'm used to it. No one here understands me either. Here are some of the questions I've received.

Do you hate white people?

You must think I am Asian. Actually, my father was a full blooded Apache and my mother's grandparents got to the United States about 100 years ago from Germany. I have blond hair and blue eyes. In my postings, I show how I think the Asians think of me. I must look really quite silly to them.

Do you hate Asian people?

Of course not. I married two Asian women (married one, got divorced, married a second, got the marriage annulled) and am engaged to a third Asian woman. I have only had sex with Asian women. It was never my goal. It just worked out that way.

Do you hate Asian men?

No. But they must hate me. I live in a city where the men outnumber the women 4:3. I come and marry one of their women and that's one less woman for them. I don't hate anybody.

Do you have a special fondness for Asian women?

Only one right now. That's enough.

Well, I see Mickey's big hand is pointing to the six and his little hand is pointing to the twelve. So I'd better get to bed.

And let this be a lesson to you, if you had terrible thoughts about me.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Why are Americans So Funny?

  1. They are fat.
  2. They are too tall and hit their head on signs. Ha ha!
  3. The women have big breasts.
  4. They go to the beach to make their skin dark. Don't they know that only poor people have dark skin. Why do they want to look poor?
  5. They eat snack food for meals.
  6. They have big noses.
  7. The men are almost always circumcized. Ouch, that must hurt.
  8. They are so hairy. Even the women.
  9. They eat such strange food.
  10. They are afraid of motorcycles.
  11. They eat bread for every meal.
  12. They don't like rice.
  13. They drink Coca-Cola like water.
  14. They don't usually eat breakfast.
  15. If they do eat breakfast, they eat candy.
  16. Beards are ugly. Especially on women.
  17. They don't speak English clearly. It's not the way we learned it in school.
  18. They don't think they are fat. We all know they are fat.
  19. They don't think our fart jokes are funny. Their farts must reek to high heaven with all the fatty stuff they eat!
  20. They eat quietly.
  21. They wear shoes into the house.
  22. They sometimes stand on their high rise apartment balcony naked.
  23. They look funny naked. (I never knew people look like that!)
  24. They pretend to be puritanical with regards to modesty, but you know the men like to look at our girls naked.
  25. They take our comments so personally... about how old they are, how fat they are, how stupid they are, how they don't know our language, or our culture...
  26. Most of them don't smoke. 
  27. They seem so worked up about good nutrition, yet will eat six doughnuts for breakfast.
  28. They don't know the healthful benefits of monosodium gluatmate (MSG).
  29. They have to wear shoes when they eat.
  30. We kill our dog so they will have something good to eat when they visit us, yet they act like we are serving one of their children... Sir? It's just a dog... It's not a human being...

Friday, August 01, 2008

Where Am I Again?

No, I am not in Cambodia. I use Cambodian pictures and trademarks to confuse people who come to this website. But thanks for trying. You will receive some nice parting gifts on the way out of the studio. Jay? Tell them what they've won!

As I mentioned in the first posting of this 'blog, I can't tell you where I am. I can only tell you I am somewhere in what most people regard as the continent of Asia. I am here because my ex-wife told me to get lost. So I got onto and airplane and it landed here. I've only been away from here once in all the time I've been here. And that was to go to a neighboring country.  But I had an easier time understanding them there. Now. I think it's time we made more fun of people. Shall we?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Is That the Way People Really Act in Your Country?

As promised, here are some actual English language lessons, specially rewritten so the people from the country where I have been living for the past few years can relate to what's being taught. Most of the English teachers believe that the foreign language textbooks they get in this country don't give enough in-depth conversations. So they write their own lessons.

Lesson Three - - Mr. Fred has a New Job

Mr. Fred: Good morning, Mr. Jim.
Mr. Jim: Good morning, Mr. Fred. You are up early this morning.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I must give Fifi, my dog a walk.
Then I must go to the bathroom, defecate, and take a long hot shower, using much soap, shampoo, and hair conditioner. I will then shave the whiskers off my neck and face. 
Mr. Jim: It sounds as if you, at last have a job, at long last, Mr. Fred.
Mr. Fred: Yes, Mr. Jim. I am working as a grillman at Burger World.
Mr. Jim: I like to eat at Burger World. 
They have the cheapest double cheeseburgers for their size.
How much do they pay you?
Mr. Fred: I earn $9.20 an hour, plus free food. It means am letting Mrs. Fred sleep late.
But she must cook dinner for me.
Mr. Jim: She must. I agree. What work is she doing now?
Mr. Fred: She works at Mr. and Mrs. John's house. 
She cleans their house two days a week and then does yard work.
Mrs. Fred will be there until 5:00 this afternoon.
Mr. Jim: How much do they pay her?
Mr. Fred: $4.50 an hour. She works six days a week for them. 
When she cleans their attic, she can keep anything she wants.
Mr. Jim: How long do you work?
Mr. Fred: I work from 6:00 this morning until 12:00 noon.
Mr. Jim: That's nice. You can come home and take a nap and wait for Mrs. Fred to come home.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I like the way she cooks dinner for me.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Don't You Know Anything?

One of the jobs expatriates do when they come here, while they try to find substantial work, is work in a language center. Most of them are businesses set up to take money from rich people who will do anything to prove their kids are the smartest kids in the world... even if they're lazy and stupid!

I always tell the people who run the language schools that the dialogs in the phrase books they use are outdated and boring. Here are some scripts from the textbook I wrote for one of those schools. This is for an adult class (very adult class):

Lesson One - - Getting to know you...

John: Good morning.
Matthew: Good morning, new neighbor. My name's Matthew, but call me Matt.
John: John's my name, but everyone calls me Stinky.
Matthew: Why is that, Stinky?
John: Because my wife feeds me beans all the time.
Matthew: What does that do to you?
John: It makes me fart! Sometimes, it's so bad I have to go home to change my underwear.
Matthew: Boy, Stinky! I'm sure glad my wife doesn't feed me beans!

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Lesson Two - - Getting to know her...

Matthew: Hello. You must be Stinky's wife.
Charlotte: Yes, I'm John's wife. My name is Charlotte. But you can call me Lottie.
Matthew: Do you always wear a swimsuit like that?
Charlotte: No, sometimes I like to go swimming nude. Does it bother you?
Matthew: Yes, it does! But don't stop. I must see you.
Charlotte: John told me about you. You're Matt, right?
Matthew: Guilty as charged.
Charlotte: Are you married?
Matthew: Who, me? I think so, why?
Charlotte: What do you mean you think so?
Matthew: My divorce isn't finalized yet.
Charlotte: Yes, it does take a long time here in Arizona, doesn't it?
Matthew: I was divorced in California. I should have stayed in Nevada. It only takes six weeks there.
Charlotte: So who's the woman who I saw walking in the house?
Matthew: Her? She's my fiancee.
Charlotte: Is she there now?
Matthew: She's there but she had so much to drink last night I don't think she knows where she is.
Charlotte: So come on over to my place and let's swim together. I want to get to know you better.
Matthew: What if Stinky, uh, John comes by?
Charlotte: He won't. I fed him a double portion of beans last night with lots of hot peppers. That poor guy won't get off the toilet for four hours!
Matthew: Is what you're doing safe?
Charlotte: I doubt it.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what the real lessons are like!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How Did Your Date Go Last Night?

HE: Hi.
SHE: Hi.
HE: You look nice tonight. I like the way your top... ahem... ahem...
SHE: You can see my breasts... Right?
They're nice aren't they?
HE: Yeah. You're the first girl here I've seen not wearing a bra. But everyone else can see you, too
SHE: Yeah, but I'm covered. 
You're the only one who has to know what I'm not wearing.
HE: OK. Shall we go?
SHE: Sure. My motorbike is over there.
HE: You have a nice motorcycle.
SHE: Yes, but a real man would pick me up at my house.
HE: I don't have an international driver's license. AndI don't know how to operate a motorcycle.
SHE: OK. Do you have a helmet? It's the law, you know.
HE: Let me get upstairs and get it...

HE: OK. Where are you taking us?
SHE: To a coffeehouse in the west part of town.
HE: Good, I can put my arms around you so I don't fall off.
HE: OK, OK... I can just sit up. Be careful driving...

[Silence for the next twenty minutes.]


SHE: Here we are.
HE: Let me hold your hand as we go inside.
HE: Well, maybe I can when we dance.
WAITER: (Local language. You know he is asking how many people there will be at the table.)
HE: Hey, this is a nice place. It's very dark. I like it.
SHE: It needs a light. You might get fresh with me.
HE: I hope so.
SHE:  You know, I always thought you were such a gentleman. But all you want to do is touch me. I don't understand you.
HE: It's what men and women do with each other. Especially when they go out on a date.
SHE: Local men don't act this way.
HE: (under his breath, very quietly)  Not in public, anyway...
(aloud) When did you last go out on a date?
SHE: This afternoon with you, when you took me to Lucky Burger.
HE: That wasn't a date.
SHE: You bought me a Jumbo Burger.
HE: We spent the whole time in the hamburger place. All we did was eat hamburgers.
SHE: What else do you do on a date?
HE: I was hoping to show you later on. I cleaned out my apartment, in case you might want to spend the night.
SHE:  ...you WHAT!
HE: And seeing you in public, almost naked, I had a good feeling about getting to be with you tonight.
SHE: All you foreign men think about is sex...
HE: That's not true.
SHE: I should have worn a bra.
HE: Front hook or back hook? Front hook is more fun because I can touch you as I'm opening it. But the back hook is easier. I can unhook it with one hand.
SHE: I have a headache. I think we should go home.
HE: Fine, come to my place. I have aspirin from America.
SHE: And then you will want me to lie down.
HE: After you take a hot shower.
SHE: And you would join me?
HE: Sure. I need to scrub your back!
SHE: All you think about is sex!


The next day the following e-mail was received:

Had a wonderful time last night. Call me in a couple of days. I can't wait until we go out again!

Monday, July 28, 2008

What did you learn today?

DISCLAIMER: The list is a group of observations the Anonymous Expatriate has noticed while living in this wonderful country. They say if you are quiet you can learn so much. So I stayed quiet for one day and this is what I learned...

  1. A hamburger is not a sandwich.
  2. A piece of ground beef between two plain slices of bread is not a hamburger.
  3. Tampons are dirty. Why would they be sold in a supermarket?
  4. A sandwich is nothing more than a slice of bread.
  5. When a man lies on top of his parked motorcycle, he is trying to get passengers to ride with him, to pay him, so he can feed his family.
  6. With regards to nudity in the movies, it's not sex unless there is touching involved. (This is why they will show nude scenes on TV in the afternoon after kids come home from school.)
  7. Rest rooms should smell like used toilets. If they are too clean, no one will want to use them.
  8. A man cannot eat a meal unless he is not wearing shoes.
  9. All Caucasians are rich. If a white foreigner says he has no money he is lying. All of the white people here say they are broke. So all white people lie.
  10. Wheaties tastes like wallpaper paste.
  11. With men, commitment always means money. With women, commitment always means sex.
  12. An apology means no explanation is needed.
  13. There is no difference between British English and American English. If an American says he doesn't understand British English, what he means to say is, "I'm not really a native English speaker. My first language is Spanish."
  14. Available men between the ages of 45-56 have rockstar status in this country... until the girls discover they have no money.
  15. A hotel that charges by the hour also has a number of attractive young women who can also be rented by the hour.
  16. Children are not expected to behave well. The schools are to teach them manners. Blame it on the schools if they don't act properly.
  17. Discipline is something they do in prisons and in the armed forces.
  18. Zoos are cleaner than hospitals.
  19. Handicapped people are a blight on humanity. Let them go into hiding
  20. The new national helmet law proves to the world how committed the people are in this country to safety.
  21. Mailing letters through the national post office is such a novelty. Who could imagine sending bills in the mail? And who really gets mail everyday?
  22. Cities show compassion to the poor by providing them with a place where they can beg.
  23. If a local person yells at me, he is communicating to me. IfI yell at a local person, I am flagrantly rude.
  24. Age, income, religion, weight, and where the last night was spent are not matters that are too personal to be shared in private.
  25. A man who is over 5'8" is tall. A woman who is over 5'3" is tall. A man who weighs over 158 pounds is obese. A woman who weighs over 100 pounds is obese.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Why Can't I Use the Rest Room in My Office?

In their infinite wisdom to show me respect, my place of business is now allowing me to use the executive washroom. This privilege is not without its problems. Last week when I woke up with a maddening case of diarrhea, I had to use the toilet, so I used the closest one... the one in my office which is intended for the lower people.

When I went in there, I locked the door and quickly relieved myself. It was fast but very painful. Coming out of there, I received a few stern looks. I thought it was because of the way I stunk up the place. No, I was told because of my high position, I have to use a higher rest room. Oh, they got angry with me.

The people I work with have the idea that I'm a spoiled brat. I complain about so many things. I can't understand, for example, why, if I have a private office with my name on the door, I share it with SIX secretaries!

Look, I wrote this 'blog anonymously because I can write things this way I couldn't say by naming names. I look forward to anyone's comments here. They will be moderated because I've had some bad stuff happen in the past. Please don't hesitate to write your comments. Any insightful, constructive comments are greatly appreciated here.

Friday, July 25, 2008

So What Happened to You Today?

  • I got hit by a motorcycle going down the wrong side of the street as I was watching for traffic coming from the other way.

  • I ordered vanilla ice cream and got orange sherbet.

  • A boy told me he could polish my shoes for the equivalent of US $.45. The complete shine came to the equivalent of US $4.50.

  • When I tell people they don't understand the local language, they repeat what they just said slower and slower.

  • I ate meat that came from small domesticated animals.

  • I had to stay off the sidewalk because the motorcycles were using it instead of the street.

  • The rest room in my office was made off limits. Because of my high rank, I have to use a rest room about 200 yards away. What if I get diarrhea?

  • The dentist couldn't pull my tooth out because she wasn't strong enough.

  • I noticed when i finished drinking a glass of water at work, they took the glass I just drank from and put it with the others, without washing it. What if I got sick?

  • I saw a car cut off an ambulance on the highway.
How did your day go?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

What Am I Doing Here?

I am ignored because I know the truth. And the truth contradicts TV. You know what they say, if you see it on TV, you can believe it. Or was that the Internet?

Anyway, let me introduce myself. Actually, I can tell you who I am. What you can know about me is that I am located in some Asian country that eats with chopsticks. I am an American from a Southwestern state. My accent is a bit of a drawl but I speak fast. When it gets to be warm and humid here, the folks can't believe that it isn't hot to me; that I have lived in hotter places.

Speaking of that, the local textbooks give a description of the weather conditions for the desert. They say it's hot in the day and cold at night. Now, since I come from a desert, I discussed this with the geography teacher at the high school where I used to teach. I told her that I am from a desert in America. She said there are no deserts in America. I mentioned the Mojave Desert, the Sonora Desert, and Death Valley. I mentioned the cities: Las Vegas, Palm Springs, Phoenix, and Tucson. Of course, she corrected me on the pronunciation on the last two cities. Silly me, I should know the way to pronounce them is FOE-nicks and TUX-on.

But she got really irritated when I told her about desert weather. She insisted the textbook is correct. I told her to go to the websites Weather. com and Weather Underground. She told me all the websites lie. (Later, she would say, "You know you can believe it because it's on the Internet." Right)

Well, I am writing this site because while the people of whom I am guest here at this foreign country might seem nice, I and several other people are under the impression that they are the rudest people in the world. And I intend to prove it. So long as no one knows who I am or what country I am coming from I can keep going...

Are you coming?

About Me

My photo
I am writing this page anonymously. I am well known in certain parts of the world. Trained in one job and working in another job for the past 30 years. But I've done many other things.