Observations from a guy who pretends to know more than you do but knows how stupid he really is.

Monday, July 28, 2008

What did you learn today?

DISCLAIMER: The list is a group of observations the Anonymous Expatriate has noticed while living in this wonderful country. They say if you are quiet you can learn so much. So I stayed quiet for one day and this is what I learned...

  1. A hamburger is not a sandwich.
  2. A piece of ground beef between two plain slices of bread is not a hamburger.
  3. Tampons are dirty. Why would they be sold in a supermarket?
  4. A sandwich is nothing more than a slice of bread.
  5. When a man lies on top of his parked motorcycle, he is trying to get passengers to ride with him, to pay him, so he can feed his family.
  6. With regards to nudity in the movies, it's not sex unless there is touching involved. (This is why they will show nude scenes on TV in the afternoon after kids come home from school.)
  7. Rest rooms should smell like used toilets. If they are too clean, no one will want to use them.
  8. A man cannot eat a meal unless he is not wearing shoes.
  9. All Caucasians are rich. If a white foreigner says he has no money he is lying. All of the white people here say they are broke. So all white people lie.
  10. Wheaties tastes like wallpaper paste.
  11. With men, commitment always means money. With women, commitment always means sex.
  12. An apology means no explanation is needed.
  13. There is no difference between British English and American English. If an American says he doesn't understand British English, what he means to say is, "I'm not really a native English speaker. My first language is Spanish."
  14. Available men between the ages of 45-56 have rockstar status in this country... until the girls discover they have no money.
  15. A hotel that charges by the hour also has a number of attractive young women who can also be rented by the hour.
  16. Children are not expected to behave well. The schools are to teach them manners. Blame it on the schools if they don't act properly.
  17. Discipline is something they do in prisons and in the armed forces.
  18. Zoos are cleaner than hospitals.
  19. Handicapped people are a blight on humanity. Let them go into hiding
  20. The new national helmet law proves to the world how committed the people are in this country to safety.
  21. Mailing letters through the national post office is such a novelty. Who could imagine sending bills in the mail? And who really gets mail everyday?
  22. Cities show compassion to the poor by providing them with a place where they can beg.
  23. If a local person yells at me, he is communicating to me. IfI yell at a local person, I am flagrantly rude.
  24. Age, income, religion, weight, and where the last night was spent are not matters that are too personal to be shared in private.
  25. A man who is over 5'8" is tall. A woman who is over 5'3" is tall. A man who weighs over 158 pounds is obese. A woman who weighs over 100 pounds is obese.

1 comment:

LoyalTubist said...

Why did you put the line about tampons in between statements about sandwiches? It's lunchtime but I think I just lost my appetite!

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I am writing this page anonymously. I am well known in certain parts of the world. Trained in one job and working in another job for the past 30 years. But I've done many other things.