Where Am I Again?

No, I am not in Cambodia. I use Cambodian pictures and trademarks to confuse people who come to this website. But thanks for trying. You will receive some nice parting gifts on the way out of the studio. Jay? Tell them what they've won!

As I mentioned in the first posting of this 'blog, I can't tell you where I am. I can only tell you I am somewhere in what most people regard as the continent of Asia. I am here because my ex-wife told me to get lost. So I got onto and airplane and it landed here. I've only been away from here once in all the time I've been here. And that was to go to a neighboring country.  But I had an easier time understanding them there. Now. I think it's time we made more fun of people. Shall we?

Is That the Way People Really Act in Your Country?

As promised, here are some actual English language lessons, specially rewritten so the people from the country where I have been living for the past few years can relate to what's being taught. Most of the English teachers believe that the foreign language textbooks they get in this country don't give enough in-depth conversations. So they write their own lessons.

Lesson Three - - Mr. Fred has a New Job

Mr. Fred: Good morning, Mr. Jim.
Mr. Jim: Good morning, Mr. Fred. You are up early this morning.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I must give Fifi, my dog a walk.
Then I must go to the bathroom, defecate, and take a long hot shower, using much soap, shampoo, and hair conditioner. I will then shave the whiskers off my neck and face. 
Mr. Jim: It sounds as if you, at last have a job, at long last, Mr. Fred.
Mr. Fred: Yes, Mr. Jim. I am working as a grillman at Burger World.
Mr. Jim: I like to eat at Burger World. 
They have the cheapest double cheeseburgers for their size.
How much do they pay you?
Mr. Fred: I earn $9.20 an hour, plus free food. It means am letting Mrs. Fred sleep late.
But she must cook dinner for me.
Mr. Jim: She must. I agree. What work is she doing now?
Mr. Fred: She works at Mr. and Mrs. John's house. 
She cleans their house two days a week and then does yard work.
Mrs. Fred will be there until 5:00 this afternoon.
Mr. Jim: How much do they pay her?
Mr. Fred: $4.50 an hour. She works six days a week for them. 
When she cleans their attic, she can keep anything she wants.
Mr. Jim: How long do you work?
Mr. Fred: I work from 6:00 this morning until 12:00 noon.
Mr. Jim: That's nice. You can come home and take a nap and wait for Mrs. Fred to come home.
Mr. Fred: Yes. I like the way she cooks dinner for me.

Don't You Know Anything?

One of the jobs expatriates do when they come here, while they try to find substantial work, is work in a language center. Most of them are businesses set up to take money from rich people who will do anything to prove their kids are the smartest kids in the world... even if they're lazy and stupid!

I always tell the people who run the language schools that the dialogs in the phrase books they use are outdated and boring. Here are some scripts from the textbook I wrote for one of those schools. This is for an adult class (very adult class):

Lesson One - - Getting to know you...

John: Good morning.
Matthew: Good morning, new neighbor. My name's Matthew, but call me Matt.
John: John's my name, but everyone calls me Stinky.
Matthew: Why is that, Stinky?
John: Because my wife feeds me beans all the time.
Matthew: What does that do to you?
John: It makes me fart! Sometimes, it's so bad I have to go home to change my underwear.
Matthew: Boy, Stinky! I'm sure glad my wife doesn't feed me beans!

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Lesson Two - - Getting to know her...

Matthew: Hello. You must be Stinky's wife.
Charlotte: Yes, I'm John's wife. My name is Charlotte. But you can call me Lottie.
Matthew: Do you always wear a swimsuit like that?
Charlotte: No, sometimes I like to go swimming nude. Does it bother you?
Matthew: Yes, it does! But don't stop. I must see you.
Charlotte: John told me about you. You're Matt, right?
Matthew: Guilty as charged.
Charlotte: Are you married?
Matthew: Who, me? I think so, why?
Charlotte: What do you mean you think so?
Matthew: My divorce isn't finalized yet.
Charlotte: Yes, it does take a long time here in Arizona, doesn't it?
Matthew: I was divorced in California. I should have stayed in Nevada. It only takes six weeks there.
Charlotte: So who's the woman who I saw walking in the house?
Matthew: Her? She's my fiancee.
Charlotte: Is she there now?
Matthew: She's there but she had so much to drink last night I don't think she knows where she is.
Charlotte: So come on over to my place and let's swim together. I want to get to know you better.
Matthew: What if Stinky, uh, John comes by?
Charlotte: He won't. I fed him a double portion of beans last night with lots of hot peppers. That poor guy won't get off the toilet for four hours!
Matthew: Is what you're doing safe?
Charlotte: I doubt it.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what the real lessons are like!

How Did Your Date Go Last Night?

HE: Hi.
SHE: Hi.
HE: You look nice tonight. I like the way your top... ahem... ahem...
SHE: You can see my breasts... Right?
They're nice aren't they?
HE: Yeah. You're the first girl here I've seen not wearing a bra. But everyone else can see you, too
SHE: Yeah, but I'm covered. 
You're the only one who has to know what I'm not wearing.
HE: OK. Shall we go?
SHE: Sure. My motorbike is over there.
HE: You have a nice motorcycle.
SHE: Yes, but a real man would pick me up at my house.
HE: I don't have an international driver's license. AndI don't know how to operate a motorcycle.
SHE: OK. Do you have a helmet? It's the law, you know.
HE: Let me get upstairs and get it...

____________________________________
HE: OK. Where are you taking us?
SHE: To a coffeehouse in the west part of town.
HE: Good, I can put my arms around you so I don't fall off.
SHE: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
HE: OK, OK... I can just sit up. Be careful driving...

____________________________________
[Silence for the next twenty minutes.]

____________________________________

SHE: Here we are.
HE: Let me hold your hand as we go inside.
SHE: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
HE: Well, maybe I can when we dance.
WAITER: (Local language. You know he is asking how many people there will be at the table.)
HE: Hey, this is a nice place. It's very dark. I like it.
SHE: It needs a light. You might get fresh with me.
HE: I hope so.
SHE:  You know, I always thought you were such a gentleman. But all you want to do is touch me. I don't understand you.
HE: It's what men and women do with each other. Especially when they go out on a date.
SHE: Local men don't act this way.
HE: (under his breath, very quietly)  Not in public, anyway...
(aloud) When did you last go out on a date?
SHE: This afternoon with you, when you took me to Lucky Burger.
HE: That wasn't a date.
SHE: You bought me a Jumbo Burger.
HE: We spent the whole time in the hamburger place. All we did was eat hamburgers.
SHE: What else do you do on a date?
HE: I was hoping to show you later on. I cleaned out my apartment, in case you might want to spend the night.
SHE:  ...you WHAT!
HE: And seeing you in public, almost naked, I had a good feeling about getting to be with you tonight.
SHE: All you foreign men think about is sex...
HE: That's not true.
SHE: I should have worn a bra.
HE: Front hook or back hook? Front hook is more fun because I can touch you as I'm opening it. But the back hook is easier. I can unhook it with one hand.
SHE: I have a headache. I think we should go home.
HE: Fine, come to my place. I have aspirin from America.
SHE: And then you will want me to lie down.
HE: After you take a hot shower.
SHE: And you would join me?
HE: Sure. I need to scrub your back!
SHE: All you think about is sex!

____________________________________

The next day the following e-mail was received:

B,
Had a wonderful time last night. Call me in a couple of days. I can't wait until we go out again!
Love,
V

What did you learn today?

DISCLAIMER: The list is a group of observations the Anonymous Expatriate has noticed while living in this wonderful country. They say if you are quiet you can learn so much. So I stayed quiet for one day and this is what I learned...

1. A hamburger is not a sandwich.
2. A piece of ground beef between two plain slices of bread is not a hamburger.
3. Tampons are dirty. Why would they be sold in a supermarket?
   
4. A sandwich is nothing more than a slice of bread.
   
5. When a man lies on top of his parked motorcycle, he is trying to get passengers to ride with him, to pay him, so he can feed his family.
6. With regards to nudity in the movies, it's not sex unless there is touching involved. (This is why they will show nude scenes on TV in the afternoon after kids come home from school.)
7. Rest rooms should smell like used toilets. If they are too clean, no one will want to use them.
8. A man cannot eat a meal unless he is not wearing shoes.
9. All Caucasians are rich. If a white foreigner says he has no money he is lying. All of the white people here say they are broke. So all white people lie.
10. Wheaties tastes like wallpaper paste.
11. With men, commitment always means money. With women, commitment always means sex.
12. An apology means no explanation is needed.
13. There is no difference between British English and American English. If an American says he doesn't understand British English, what he means to say is, "I'm not really a native English speaker. My first language is Spanish."
14. Available men between the ages of 45-56 have rockstar status in this country... until the girls discover they have no money.
15. A hotel that charges by the hour also has a number of attractive young women who can also be rented by the hour.
16. Children are not expected to behave well. The schools are to teach them manners. Blame it on the schools if they don't act properly.
17. Discipline is something they do in prisons and in the armed forces.
18. Zoos are cleaner than hospitals.
19. Handicapped people are a blight on humanity. Let them go into hiding
20. The new national helmet law proves to the world how committed the people are in this country to safety.
21. Mailing letters through the national post office is such a novelty. Who could imagine sending bills in the mail? And who really gets mail everyday?
22. Cities show compassion to the poor by providing them with a place where they can beg.
23. If a local person yells at me, he is communicating to me. IfI yell at a local person, I am flagrantly rude.
24. Age, income, religion, weight, and where the last night was spent are not matters that are too personal to be shared in private.
25. A man who is over 5'8" is tall. A woman who is over 5'3" is tall. A man who weighs over 158 pounds is obese. A woman who weighs over 100 pounds is obese.

1. 
   

Why Can't I Use the Rest Room in My Office?

In their infinite wisdom to show me respect, my place of business is now allowing me to use the executive washroom. This privilege is not without its problems. Last week when I woke up with a maddening case of diarrhea, I had to use the toilet, so I used the closest one... the one in my office which is intended for the lower people.

When I went in there, I locked the door and quickly relieved myself. It was fast but very painful. Coming out of there, I received a few stern looks. I thought it was because of the way I stunk up the place. No, I was told because of my high position, I have to use a higher rest room. Oh, they got angry with me.

The people I work with have the idea that I'm a spoiled brat. I complain about so many things. I can't understand, for example, why, if I have a private office with my name on the door, I share it with SIX secretaries!

Look, I wrote this 'blog anonymously because I can write things this way I couldn't say by naming names. I look forward to anyone's comments here. They will be moderated because I've had some bad stuff happen in the past. Please don't hesitate to write your comments. Any insightful, constructive comments are greatly appreciated here.